redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
Bye Bye Bonnie/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, when bernice makes her homemade applesauce she picks the apples one by one, she peels them, she chops 'em up, she boils them, she purees them, and then she cans them. Boy, if I didn't go into the kitchen for a cold one during the half-time show, I wouldn't see her at all. So I'm sayin', forget about picking the apples... There's a bumper crop. [ chuckles ] all these apples falling, I feel like isaac newton. He was a genius too. But I got something that old isaac newton didn't even have... A veterinary collar junior singleton put on his golden retriever so that it wouldn't paw at its ear infection. I got a bunch of fish bowls and a gas-powered snowblower. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Buster hadfield is selling all his old cars. He's got a camaro, a convertible minus the engine, he's got a toyota corolla that's only rolled three times, I believe. And he's got 5h dodge darts. Uh -- um -- uh -- uh, can we talk? I am. He's got an aerostar, he's got a windstar, the most of a chrysler imperial, and he's got a tow truck. The tow truck broke down, which is why he has to get rid of all the cars, see? Are you just going to ignore me? So far so good. I have a personal issue. Harold, two words... Calamine lotion. [ laughter ] no, it's not physical. Oh, no. Is it your girlfriend? No? Yes!!! I saw bonnie driving around town in another guy's car. A guy! A guy guy. What guy? Some guy who wasn't me, that's all I know. Good lookin' guy, well dressed, buff. I've lost bonnie. He's also got an amc javelin there, and less than 300,000 miles on her, and all the original fire damage, I mean, it's just -- uncle red, are you gonna help me get bonnie back? All right, harold, this is real easy. What does this guy have that you don't? Bonnie! No, no, no. A car, harold. This guy's got a car. We're gonna get you one of buster's cars. Oh, oh yeah! Okay, you think that'll help? Absolutely guaranteed. How much money do you have? Twenty dollars. All right, I'll bring you the change. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this coupon for a decorative buffet platter from martha's meats, featuring paul bunyan and his parents, ma and pa bunyan, all made entirely out of liver. We call it liver and bunyans. Okay, cover your thingies, blair. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get snowmobile guy blair cobden to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go. Okay, blair, after a day of snowmobiling you wanna come home to your... Trailer. No, okay. Okay, what makes your heart skip a beat? The sound of ice cracking. No, no, I mean, this is something romantic, something that gets you excited. A snow machine. No, blair, this has extra curves in all the right places. A three-seater. You see pamela anderson and you say, she's all... Silicone. Okay, um, helen reddy sang a song, I am something, hear me roar. Full of gas? Uh, okay, you know, the guys will say they wish that this person could be more like a man. My cousin eric. Uh, we're almost out of time, mr. Green. Okay, okay, blair, you know, they say that no man is complete until he gets a good... Helmet. But you know, I'd trade in a good helmet for a good woman. Yeah! Scrape off your palettes and strap on your aprons, because it's time for harold's hobby house! [ cheers and applause ] okay, joining me today is semi-expert demolitionist, mr. Edgar k.B. Montrose! [ cheers and applause ] welcome, edgar. I understand you brought a sample of your work today. Oh, no, the doctor said that would clear up if I just put the salve on it. But I have some sculpt-art today, harold. It's a combination of sculpting and painting. Oh! So I assume you take some sculpture, and you just paint it. Never assume things, harold. Like when you see a doorbell button, never assume that it's a doorbell button. It could be an explosives detonator. That one cost me a finger. So! What is sculpt-art? Oh, it's just the biggest breakthrough in art since fingerpainting, which I had to give up. How do you start? Well, you start with a sculpture. That's a clock. Artistic license. Okay. And you change that sculpture into a painting. [ sniffs ] that's dynamite. Well, why, thank you, harold. Now, you take a sculpture like this, and you transform this teapot into a t.N.T.-Pot. [ applause ] what kind of charge is that? Uh, five bucks for you. And then you put the teapot into the garbage can. It doesn't look like art to me. Art is in the eye of the beholder. That's where I'm afraid it's gonna end up. Just a minute. Okay. Ahh! Put it into the can. This is not safe! Now, if you put something heavy on the canvas, most people will think that will make the explosion safer. [ laughter and applause ] you know, over the years, many of my best friends have been blessed with sudden good fortune. And golly, did they ever think to share any of it with me? Well, now the table is turned. Literally. I recently became the owner of a number of highway signs as the result of a heavy windstorm and my own chain saw. And what did I do with this good fortune? How about a dining room table for people on the go? Or a tray for serving drinks to people who are getting a little carried away. Or what if you like to sit outside? Or maybe the people in your family force you to sit outside. Well, how about a highway sign muskoka chair? But what if you're not handy? What do you do then? Kill yourself I guess. I'm just kiddin' ya. No, you can just use the signs just the way they are. Put one on the bathroom. Heck, put one in the bathroom. And you can put one on the bedroom door and a whole bunch more inside. That last one glows in the dark. Oh, look, harold's room. [ applause ] I wanna talk to the women out there about something important. You may not know this, but as us guys get on in years, our needs in the bedroom change. It's all part of the time-space continuum. We a little more time, but we need a lot more space. See, when bernice and I first married we slept on a 3/4 bed with our arms and legs all tangled up, like four pounds of worms in a three-pound can. After being married for a couple of years, we both needed a double. And then a queen sized, and now we're up to a king. I don't know what's next, an ace or maybe a joker. The longer you're together the bigger the bed. I think if you're married long enough you start sleeping on the pool cover. Now, this has nothing to do with romance or love or anything they talk about on oprah. This is all about two bodies who start having a mind of their own, kicking and twitching and punching in the middle of the night. That's why we need the huge bed. So, ladies, the next time you're wondering when your husband's coming to bed only to realise he's been lying next to you for three hours, trust me, he knows it's safer for everyone if he simply admires you from afar. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. If you made a deposit in the stock market got a big return and you're rolling in it, congratulations. If you made a deposit at home got a big return and you're swimming in it, call rothschild's. Man, you try to help a guy out, or even a harold out, where does it get you? Went to buster hadfield's used car sale, bought harold a '74 olds tornado. I mean, that's a lot of car. You'd think harold would be grateful. But then you'd think harold would be a lot of things. Okay, uncle red, okay, okay, I suppose you meant well. You just didn't do well. Harold, where else are you going to find a full-size luxury car for 17 bucks? True, but see the car -- the point of the car was to help get bonnie back into my life. She's not gonna get in that thing. There's a door missing. It's not her door. Harold, if she's uppity, I can't help you. Bonnie doesn't care about cars. I heard that she went to port asbestos with her new boyfriend. Once she sees the big city, I'm never going to see her again. Well, you need to be a big city guy yourself. You need to dress like -- well, I have no idea, really. No, you're right! I need to become a metrosexual. Well, I've always said -- a what? Metrosexual, it's a man who has the most desirable traits of both a man and a woman. Metrosexual. If that means too close to call, it sure sounds like you. I'm gonna get me a big city look, and I'm gonna win bonnie back. All right, you gonna take the tornado? No, I'm in a hurry. [ applause ] red: Dalton was having a little recycling drive, which means he gets us to pick up all the crap and he just kinda pretends. So I wasn't too motivated, and after dalton had picked up about four things he decided maybe he'd go and get himself a coffee. So yeah, sure, we'll just -- yeah, we're happy to keep working on your behalf. And thank you for coming out. Meanwhile, harold comes out of the shed there, he said there was some kind of an animal in there, and he was all upset and all excited about something, so bill said he'd go check it out. Can't be too serious. And I could just smell a little something. You know, we both kind of -- it's funny how you have almost an instinct like when you smell things, and you almost regress back into a -- almost like you're another form. So bill comes out and says that actually what it is, is there's a skunk. There's an actual skunk in the shed. And, wow, that's a big fella. So we just kind of freeze in place there, and of course, what you wanna do is not be the lead guy. So I kinda -- I don't mind overspray, I just don't wanna take the hit myself. And I see the can there, and I think if we can get the thing into a can -- so we did a full military assault on the skunk with the cans. And, uh, boy, we came out, I was pretty sure I had the thing. I had her trapped in there. Bill thought he had her, but I could smell it. I was pretty sure I had it. Take a look at this. Oh. No, no, no. Hm, thought I had it. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's in there. Oh, yeah. Oh. No. So I go back in because we've still got the other can in there. Oh, I got her for sure. I can feel it rumbling around inside the can. I got her this time. We're gold. We're gold. We got it. Oh, you can even tell, it's got that bit of a stink to it, you know. Watch this, take a look at this, bill, see. See, look. Oh. No. Okay, so harold has this idea that cats don't like to be sprayed with water, and he's thinking the skunk is part of the cat family, the part that never bathes, I guess, and he says to bill, go with the hose, and then when you see the skunk you can just squirt him, and just signal me, and he would turn on the tap. So bill's lookin' around for the skunk, and he sees the board movin', so okay, she's comin' up. So he's, harold, turn on the tap. And harold opens her up full blast. And bill just kind of does a blind side, round the corner -- a little high for a skunk, I'm thinking, bill. A little high. That's more suitable for a person. Yeah, no -- all right. So meanwhile, harold's wondering where the skunk is, and all of a sudden the skunk comes up behind him, and he jumps -- oh! You know, they say when you see a skunk just to stay perfectly still. It doesn't always work. Wow, that's a rough day. So now bill's sneaking around, he comes up on the skunk, he's all set, and he goes to squirt the darned thing, but no water comes out, so now he signals harold, harold, turn on -- uh-oh. Harold, quick, turn on the tap! Well, harold's lookin' like new year's day. Oh! So he comes up sneakin' by me and I grab him and get him into the bag. Meanwhile dalton comes back with his coffee cup. And where would you -- the can, the paper? Oh, just chuck that on the ground, fine. So dalton's asking for my bag. No, you don't want this, dalton. Oh, okay. [ chuckles ] all right, well, and the boys come back. And they're not smelling too special. And then dalton comes wheelin' -- how do you like your coffee, dalton? You like it black with cream on the side? You know, to me there's nothing more comforting than sitting outside with a newspaper, especially at a nudist camp. But as so often happens in life, a little wind at the wrong time can really kill the mood. Luckily, I have a solution. Remember aerosol hairspray? They outlawed this stuff a few years ago for some reason. Now it's as hard to find as the ozone. I had a few cans tucked away in a drawer. But thanks to my lucky hat and the blessing of male pattern baldness, I don't need it anymore. This stuff dries stiffer than buster hadfield's drinks. It's like viagra for hair. Hairspray is great. I don't know what all the big fuss is about. And it's just that easy. Once again science conquers nature. [ applause ] well, talk about easy come, easy go. I bought all of buster's unsold cars, and there's a whack of 'em. And then bernice tells me we got no place to keep 'em all, unless we extend the driveway 200 feet right through her vegetable garden, and I said, okay. But I misunderstood. But it's killing me to take these cars back. I mean, I paid less for them than harold's new outfit. There's something wrong when you can buy a '72 pacer for the same price as a belt. [ wolf whistles and cheers ] it's pretty hard to walk in leather. Yeah. Now I know why cows move so slow. So has bonnie seen your new look yet? Oh, no, no, no. But her mother says she comes back from port asbestos today, so I thought I might just cruise into town a little later. Oh, yeah? You might want to wait until after dark, and don't go anywhere near the legion. [ car approaches ] oh, that's bonnie's car! That's bonnie's car. That's bonnie's car. Oh, you know, what if she doesn't like this? What if it's over? What have I done? I don't look metrosexual, I look like a couch. [ car door slams ] harold, harold, harold. If you start sweating, the leather will shrink, and you'll be crushed, okay. Yeah, okay. [ knock at door ] come in! Okay, now start singing y.M.C.A. Red: Oh, man. Bonnie?! Harold?! You look like j-lo. You like... Her too. Well, this is my new look. Well, this is my new look. Yeah, well, I heard you're driving around town in some guy's car. Ha, he's my cousin! He's a fashion designer. I asked him to help me get a new look for my sweetheart. Oh, yeah, your sweetheart, he gets a -- I'm your sweetheart? That's me. Oh! Ha! Ha! Here I was, I was all nervous that you were leaving me, so I tried to make myself more attractive. Oh, harold, I could never find you more attractive! [ applause ] I don't want you to change. I don't want you to change either. Let's go change. Hey, hey, hey. You two better not undress together. You'll forget who's who. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, harold. Yeah, right. Away you go, harold, it's the meeting. Oh, yeah, right. Away you go. Go on, away you go. Harold, harold, harold! Be careful on the, um -- [ crash ] stairs. Harold: Yeah, right! Okay. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm not going to take the cars back until tomorrow morning, so if you wanna take a little trip down memory lane, we've got 76 back seats to choose from. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, sit down. Meeting coming to order. Sit down, c'mon, sit down. Everybody, you guys in front, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, I've got 400 gallons of gas for sale at 10¢ a gallon. Anybody interested? Boy, nothing turns these guys on like cheap gas. They're petro-sexuals. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com